Thursday, March 26, 2009

I haven't had time to think or reflect on myself and my choices.
Everything has changed, though:

It's like Cody said,

"When I'm sober the world is so much more different.
I feel like I'm in a box and the walls are closing in.
I'm almost Claustrophobic here."

When I am sober:

-I hate myself.
-I care what others think.
-I'm worried/scared/paranoid.
- I fear.

-I cannot focus and I'm too talkative.
-I don't eat.
-I don't sleep.

When I am high:
-I have physical and emotional apathy.
-I am focused and quiet.
-I do what I have to do.
-I'm always smiling.
-I can have a coherent thought and share it.

I do not fear the future.
I fear myself.

I become this creature of the darkness when I'm sober. I fear being sober because I fear feeling the way reality makes me feel. Reality harbors my demons. When I leave my house to sneak out and smoke, I pass by this old fence that is behind my house, outside my fence, after you exit my yard, through the back gate. It's dark when I sneak out, so obviously there are shadows, but I have never feared leaving my house and walking to the plaza parking lot. The last few times I have snuck out.. I've been seeing these shadows. Strange figures pass through the light. My body tinges up with fear at the sight. It's only been when I'm sober, though. I've been through there tens, hundreds, thousands of times when I was high or intoxicated, but my sober reality always gets my goat. You know? I dislike everyone right now. I have no desire to be around anyone. Minus the few people who smoke with me because they are those few people who share a passion for something that I enjoy. My friends and I aren't really friends. I get invited to their parties, or to see them, but it's not like we're close anymore. I don't have any close friends anymore. The group has managed to replace me with Christine Simmons. Of all of the fucking places int he world that that girl could go, why does she have to come into MY group. The one fucking place I was finally at home. They go out to lunch with her, they hang out with her in classes or talk to see her after school. Katt is becoming her. FUCK THAT. Where the hell did MY Katt go? I don't want this new one who loves singing along to shitty rap songs in the car, or who acts dumber than dirt when she thinks it's cute. I'm not trying to have my best friend be Christine Simmons, but I'm sure I'm too late. I mean, if my best friend can't understand me, who the fuck else should, right?

Here are other things I need to say:

I don't care if the song reminds you of something negative. Deal with it, and get over it. Eventually, you'll run out of songs. Eventually, you'll run out of love for music because noting good will ever come from the songs you relay as negative for your memory's sake.

I don't care what your opinion is on how I run my life. Please stop fucking telling me that I will amount to nothing, or that what I'm doing is not healthy, or that I should "take a break" because "people are worried" about me. Fuck that shit. I've gone my whole life with basically no one giving two shits about me. You think I'm going to start letting people care now?

I don't care about how much fun you had at the party the other night, or about just how drunk you really were. If I cared about knowing how drunk you were I prolly would have gone.

I don't care that you're a slut anymore. It's just.. not my problem. You really wanna change it? Then change it, but I haven't seen progress, yet. I will admit, however, I don't like being around you when you're like that, so maybe I just haven't been able to observe you enough.I hate when people stare at you as you pass by, but don't say "hello" or smile back at you.

I hate when you act like you are holier than God. Fuck that, man. There's no fucking way.

I hate when people tell pointless stories that I don't even give a shit about. Keep it to yourself.

I hate the fact that I'm so lonely, but I have all these guys pursuing me. Why can't I just like them enough to date them or enough to have some sort of connection?

I hate it when the cops pull you over for a simple traffic violation and then take your marijuana.

I hate that my dealer lives so far because I could be makin' some mad bank right now.

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