Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The Colder Water

"I can't take my eyes off of you."

God, I wish someone would say that to me.

It's good to know:
that people you barely know, care more about you
than people that have been with you for..
what is it now.. six years? Seven?
You didn't even fucking check up on me.
Have a nice time with your life, dear.
I'd appreciate it if all of you would kindly
go fuck yourselves.
It's good to know:
that the last two people you'd expect
to be there for you when you need a friend,
are the two people that smothered the burning coals of your heart.
I love you both.
Thank you.
"I'd wish ill upon you, but frankly, I'm selfish."
God, I wish it wasn't true.
You should have seen her eyes.
I've never seen such hatred.
Put the blame on me.
It's always my fault anyway.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

I haven't had time to think or reflect on myself and my choices.
Everything has changed, though:

It's like Cody said,

"When I'm sober the world is so much more different.
I feel like I'm in a box and the walls are closing in.
I'm almost Claustrophobic here."

When I am sober:

-I hate myself.
-I care what others think.
-I'm worried/scared/paranoid.
- I fear.

-I cannot focus and I'm too talkative.
-I don't eat.
-I don't sleep.

When I am high:
-I have physical and emotional apathy.
-I am focused and quiet.
-I do what I have to do.
-I'm always smiling.
-I can have a coherent thought and share it.

I do not fear the future.
I fear myself.

I become this creature of the darkness when I'm sober. I fear being sober because I fear feeling the way reality makes me feel. Reality harbors my demons. When I leave my house to sneak out and smoke, I pass by this old fence that is behind my house, outside my fence, after you exit my yard, through the back gate. It's dark when I sneak out, so obviously there are shadows, but I have never feared leaving my house and walking to the plaza parking lot. The last few times I have snuck out.. I've been seeing these shadows. Strange figures pass through the light. My body tinges up with fear at the sight. It's only been when I'm sober, though. I've been through there tens, hundreds, thousands of times when I was high or intoxicated, but my sober reality always gets my goat. You know? I dislike everyone right now. I have no desire to be around anyone. Minus the few people who smoke with me because they are those few people who share a passion for something that I enjoy. My friends and I aren't really friends. I get invited to their parties, or to see them, but it's not like we're close anymore. I don't have any close friends anymore. The group has managed to replace me with Christine Simmons. Of all of the fucking places int he world that that girl could go, why does she have to come into MY group. The one fucking place I was finally at home. They go out to lunch with her, they hang out with her in classes or talk to see her after school. Katt is becoming her. FUCK THAT. Where the hell did MY Katt go? I don't want this new one who loves singing along to shitty rap songs in the car, or who acts dumber than dirt when she thinks it's cute. I'm not trying to have my best friend be Christine Simmons, but I'm sure I'm too late. I mean, if my best friend can't understand me, who the fuck else should, right?

Here are other things I need to say:

I don't care if the song reminds you of something negative. Deal with it, and get over it. Eventually, you'll run out of songs. Eventually, you'll run out of love for music because noting good will ever come from the songs you relay as negative for your memory's sake.

I don't care what your opinion is on how I run my life. Please stop fucking telling me that I will amount to nothing, or that what I'm doing is not healthy, or that I should "take a break" because "people are worried" about me. Fuck that shit. I've gone my whole life with basically no one giving two shits about me. You think I'm going to start letting people care now?

I don't care about how much fun you had at the party the other night, or about just how drunk you really were. If I cared about knowing how drunk you were I prolly would have gone.

I don't care that you're a slut anymore. It's just.. not my problem. You really wanna change it? Then change it, but I haven't seen progress, yet. I will admit, however, I don't like being around you when you're like that, so maybe I just haven't been able to observe you enough.I hate when people stare at you as you pass by, but don't say "hello" or smile back at you.

I hate when you act like you are holier than God. Fuck that, man. There's no fucking way.

I hate when people tell pointless stories that I don't even give a shit about. Keep it to yourself.

I hate the fact that I'm so lonely, but I have all these guys pursuing me. Why can't I just like them enough to date them or enough to have some sort of connection?

I hate it when the cops pull you over for a simple traffic violation and then take your marijuana.

I hate that my dealer lives so far because I could be makin' some mad bank right now.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

A Fuck-Up.

I can feel it weaving through my veins

Staring me down.
Bullying me.
Ready to tear me limb from limb.

What a bad fucking start.

(The x's are the ones I've already fucked up.)
xx-There will be no more love/lust for Cam'ron Tabatabai or Joe Benny.
x-There will be no more cheating on boyfriends.
x-There will be no more play time with Katrina Suzanne.
x-There will be no more lying to my parents.
x-There will be no more trusting in others.
x-There will be no more irresponsibility.
xxxxxxxx-There will be no more over-thinking.
x-There will be no more bad eating habits.
x-There will be no more epic proportions of laziness.
x-There will be no more borrowing money.
x-There will be no more splurging on commodities.

(The x's are things I've succeeded in.)
-There will be one man or woman in my life, at a time.
-There will be smiling. Lots of it.
-There will be freedom.
-There will be family.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx-There will be marijuana.
-There will be a job.
-There will be a car.
-There will be something new.

&& Hopefully, there will be a lot of Kurt Damare.

That last line tore my heart out.
Because I know that I meant it.
I know that I STILL fucking mean it.

There are so many things I need to get off my chest.
Because they are screaming obscenities in my ears.

Every demon I have I can picture with a face.
Does that frighten you? Can you handle it?

All of Kurt's friends love me.
Jean-Claude Cruz.
Diego Laird.
Jordan Prescott.
Sam Damare.


I am really really lonely without you.
I'm really lonely when I'm with friends.
I'm really lonely when I'm home alone.
I'm really lonely on the computer.
I'm really lonely on the phone.
I only feel happy when I'm high,
or when you are talking to me.
How pathetic.


Here are a few simple statements that can describe me:

  • My heart is taken.
  • I have no motivation to live other than Katrina Suzanne.
  • I have no motivation to graduate.
  • I have no urge to succeed.
  • Weed is the only thing that makes me smile.
  • I fuck with everyone's emotions for my sick-twisted pleasure.
  • I'm legitimately crazy.
  • I'm going to sleep with Kurt's close friend.
Fuck this stupid post. I'M OUT, SON.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Kurt Damare


That's what he sends me when he misses me,
or when he wants to talk to me,
but does not really have anything to say.
It's his excuse to talk to me.
Baby, I crave that silly little excuse.

I kissed a boy.
His name was not Kurt Damare.
His name was Joe Benny.
While Joe Benny and I have not kissed in months.
I secretly regret it.
One, because it will keep me attached.
Which, it has managed to do in a matter of moments.
Two, because I love Kurt Damare.

I kissed a boy.
His name still was not Kurt Damare.
His name was Cam'ron Tabatabai.
While I have not seen Cam'ron Tabatabai in over two years.
I secretly regret it.
One, because it will keep me attached.
Which, it has managed to do in a matter of moments.
Two, because I love Kurt Damare.

I miss a boy.
His name was Kurt Damare.
His name will always be Kurt Damare.
While, I wish and hope that he will love me back.
I secretly know he won't.
One, because I make too many mistakes.
Which, I have successfully proven in the chances he's provided.
Two, because I know Kurt Damare better than anyone on this Earth.

He was nice to me.
That Kurt Damare, boy?
He was gentle and kind.
He was thankful, and sweet.
That is the Kurt Damare that I miss.
Actually, I even miss asshole Kurt Damare.

Every time I cross a railroad track,
I hold my breath and lift my feet.
The wish I utter to myself,
Is that of you loving me back.
It's a worthless wish.
But I'll never stop trying.
I dont' give up that easily.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Up to the surface; Try not to make waves...

I feel like singing sad songs all night
I feel like tuning you out
do you want to make it in to more of a fight
is this yelling what love’s all about?

so go on, and tear me apart
yeah just go on in straight for my chest
and maybe it’s mostly my fault
’cause if I’m the only girl you ever had
I guess I can’t be the best
can’t be the best

and I feel like falling asleep while you scream
I feel like tuning you out
do you want to stand up and make a big scene?
put the lid down, pick up the dog shit, and shut your mouth

so go on, and tear me apart
yeah just go on in straight for my chest
and maybe it’s mostly my fault
’cause if I’m the only girl you ever had
I guess I can’t be the best
can’t be the best

and I feel like singing sad songs all night

I am not a narcissist.
That was crossing the line.
I definitely loathe my appearance.
This just further proves the awful truth.
You really just don't know anything about me.

I get my heart broken a lot.
It doesn't ever seem to heal.
No one gets that I'm sensitive.
I guess I'm a ridiculously good liar.
Will someone please see through me?

I don't feel like I have much of anything anymore.
I mean, sure, I have people I hang out with.
I'm not sure they are real friends, though.
I guess I'm in a bit of a depressed state.
Maybe I'm just over-thinking? Hmm..