Friday, June 19, 2009

Dear Roman,

This letter is one I'm typing via my online blogger, which only one other person has access to. It's a safe place, I promise. I need to think about what I say before I say it, and here, I can. I simply hit that silly little 'delete' key, and my thoughts are mended and are easier to comprehend. In a way, my ADD is cured. Don't worry, this is NOT a break-up letter, or anything of the sort. Baby, if I lost you... I wouldn't be strong enough to continue on. That wasn't some stupid line off the internet, either. So, here is what I have to say:

I can't bear the sight of couples around me. I can't look at cute couple pictures, and I can't stand cute love songs anymore. I question the world around me. Why is it fair that people like Kevin and Lung-fucking-Chung, my mom and dad, and even fucking Chantu get to be happy? I had to sit behind Kevin and Lung-Chung in the court room on Wednesday. Kevin had his arm around her, and was rubbing her back, just the way you used to rub mine. I burst into tears. Those two people don't even deserve to be happy. They're manipulative, and sneaky, and they are both liars. It doesn't make sense. Then, I saw my parents hugging and kissing tonight at the dinner table, in Bugaboo Creek, the restaurant. Being cute and loving each other. I burst into tears. They, without question, do not deserve to be happy. My mother is all of the things in the world that I despise the most, and my father, immature and abusive. Finally, there is Chantu. She's screwed up FOUR fucking relationships she's had. ENGAGEMENTS no less, and yet, she gets to be happy meeting new guys and clubbing with her friends. She gets chance after chance to be happy. Why is it that they get to be happy, and you and I don't? It's like, the world is sadistic, and twisted. We didn't do anything to deserve any of this. Nothing. If anything we were the most helpful and giving, and forgiving of anyone we know.

I feel like, not only have I lost my best friend, my boyfriend, and my other half, but I have also lost, the only person who believes in me, the only person that trusts me, and the only person who believes that we'll make it, through thick and thin. No one believes that you and I are going to be happy, and live in Poland, and get married, and have babies together, and spend the rest of our lives in each others loving, caring, trusting arms. No one has any faith in our relationship. It's just me and you.

When I can't see you, or speak to you, or be near you, or contact you, I'm alone. At that point. I let the world come crashing onto my shoulders. Whether it's trying to help Cheryl, a woman who is, was, and will always be horrible to me, or trying to make my mom less upset, by being nice to her, even though I don't owe her anything but hatred, or whether it's putting my own happiness aside to make sure that no one worries about me, letting everyone else blame me for why they're having a tough time. Well you know what? I'm having a tough time. I lost my fucking boyfriend to jail, I have a mom who loves to make it her life's work to make me miserable, a dad that doesn't believe in me at all, a brother who loves to throw me under the bus when everyone else is too, I have no friends, and no one to turn to but you. Guess what? You're not here. I don't have you, I can't call you when I'm crying, and I can't see you when I miss you. I can't kiss you whenever I want. I can't do anything with you. This feels worse than if you broke up with me. I'm not saying you should break up with me, because that would fucking DEVASTATE me, but.. you know? It's just awful. I'm not even trying to complain to you, I'm just trying to comprehend my own feelings, and share them with you.

I miss you. I miss everything about you. Which obviously my other letters have explained. But I keep having to repeat myself because as I go on without you, I miss you more and more with each passing day. With the increase of missing you, comes the incomparably large increase of my love for you. I know that we'll make it. The struggle is so hard for me, but we will make it. I'm giving this my all, Roman. I'm giving this everything that I have left from everything that has happened to me.

I think about the future, and I get scared. I wonder, just like you do, what happens when you go to college. Although we will be attending the same college (FOR SURE), I wonder what's going to happen when you meet new girls, and go to parties, and make new friends. I worry that you'll forget all about me. Please don't think it's because I don't trust you, because, baby.. if you knew how I felt about you, you would NEVER doubt my love, or trust, or respect for you ever again. It's an inadequacy that I see in myself that makes me scared. I see no reason in myself for you to want to be with me and only me. I mean, I know that you're happy, and that you love me, and I rely on that. I feel that you love me. I've never had that. I'm used to the opposite of how you treat me. You treat me like your everything.

I'm trying to understand why you love me. You're helping me out alot, you know? You're getting me to see that maybe there is something about me that might make someone happy. It's just going to take me time to understand. But I'm so fucking glad that you love me the way you do because I'm crazy about you; head over heels; completely intoxicated by your existence. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect man to fall into my lap. I couldn't have dreamed up a guy with half of your qualities. There isn't a single thing I dislike about you..

Envy? Yes.
I envy that:
  • You can speak French and Polish with out a second thought.
  • You can be so strong after so much hurt.
  • You can cook the most delicious chicken ever.
  • You could take me in a fair fight. [ ;) ]
  • You have a hero to look up to.
  • You give everyone respect even when they don't deserve it.
So, yes. I envy you. I envy that you can survive so well on your own. I respect you. I honor you. I love you. You are HANDS DOWN the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I feel like the reason why this struggle is so hard for me, is because I'm terrified of losing you. I always have been, and this feels like I've lost you. Even if you haven't actually left me. You know?

Here's what will come of us.
-You will get out of jail.
-You and I will move in together.
-You and I will go to Ocean City.
-You and I will go to Skyesville Insane Asylum.
-I will turn 18, and we will move to Poland.
-You and I will go to school in Poland.
-You and I will get married.
-You and I will have three babies.
-You and I will always be together.

One million and seven years, baby. That will never change. I'm sure. The most sure I've ever been in my entire life. I will always be yours, and you will always be mine. I know this. Besides, I already ate your heart so it could be closer to mine, silly!

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I fucking love the hell out of you, Roman. :D

Tonight, I will be saying goodnight to you, and going to sleep with thoughts of you in my mind.

Forever Yours,

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