Dear Roman,

This letter is one I'm typing via my online blogger, which only one other person has access to. It's a safe place, I promise. I need to think about what I say before I say it, and here, I can. I simply hit that silly little 'delete' key, and my thoughts are mended and are easier to comprehend. In a way, my ADD is cured. Don't worry, this is NOT a break-up letter, or anything of the sort. Baby, if I lost you... I wouldn't be strong enough to continue on. That wasn't some stupid line off the internet, either. So, here is what I have to say:

I can't bear the sight of couples around me. I can't look at cute couple pictures, and I can't stand cute love songs anymore. I question the world around me. Why is it fair that people like Kevin and Lung-fucking-Chung, my mom and dad, and even fucking Chantu get to be happy? I had to sit behind Kevin and Lung-Chung in the court room on Wednesday. Kevin had his arm around her, and was rubbing her back, just the way you used to rub mine. I burst into tears. Those two people don't even deserve to be happy. They're manipulative, and sneaky, and they are both liars. It doesn't make sense. Then, I saw my parents hugging and kissing tonight at the dinner table, in Bugaboo Creek, the restaurant. Being cute and loving each other. I burst into tears. They, without question, do not deserve to be happy. My mother is all of the things in the world that I despise the most, and my father, immature and abusive. Finally, there is Chantu. She's screwed up FOUR fucking relationships she's had. ENGAGEMENTS no less, and yet, she gets to be happy meeting new guys and clubbing with her friends. She gets chance after chance to be happy. Why is it that they get to be happy, and you and I don't? It's like, the world is sadistic, and twisted. We didn't do anything to deserve any of this. Nothing. If anything we were the most helpful and giving, and forgiving of anyone we know.

I feel like, not only have I lost my best friend, my boyfriend, and my other half, but I have also lost, the only person who believes in me, the only person that trusts me, and the only person who believes that we'll make it, through thick and thin. No one believes that you and I are going to be happy, and live in Poland, and get married, and have babies together, and spend the rest of our lives in each others loving, caring, trusting arms. No one has any faith in our relationship. It's just me and you.

When I can't see you, or speak to you, or be near you, or contact you, I'm alone. At that point. I let the world come crashing onto my shoulders. Whether it's trying to help Cheryl, a woman who is, was, and will always be horrible to me, or trying to make my mom less upset, by being nice to her, even though I don't owe her anything but hatred, or whether it's putting my own happiness aside to make sure that no one worries about me, letting everyone else blame me for why they're having a tough time. Well you know what? I'm having a tough time. I lost my fucking boyfriend to jail, I have a mom who loves to make it her life's work to make me miserable, a dad that doesn't believe in me at all, a brother who loves to throw me under the bus when everyone else is too, I have no friends, and no one to turn to but you. Guess what? You're not here. I don't have you, I can't call you when I'm crying, and I can't see you when I miss you. I can't kiss you whenever I want. I can't do anything with you. This feels worse than if you broke up with me. I'm not saying you should break up with me, because that would fucking DEVASTATE me, but.. you know? It's just awful. I'm not even trying to complain to you, I'm just trying to comprehend my own feelings, and share them with you.

I miss you. I miss everything about you. Which obviously my other letters have explained. But I keep having to repeat myself because as I go on without you, I miss you more and more with each passing day. With the increase of missing you, comes the incomparably large increase of my love for you. I know that we'll make it. The struggle is so hard for me, but we will make it. I'm giving this my all, Roman. I'm giving this everything that I have left from everything that has happened to me.

I think about the future, and I get scared. I wonder, just like you do, what happens when you go to college. Although we will be attending the same college (FOR SURE), I wonder what's going to happen when you meet new girls, and go to parties, and make new friends. I worry that you'll forget all about me. Please don't think it's because I don't trust you, because, baby.. if you knew how I felt about you, you would NEVER doubt my love, or trust, or respect for you ever again. It's an inadequacy that I see in myself that makes me scared. I see no reason in myself for you to want to be with me and only me. I mean, I know that you're happy, and that you love me, and I rely on that. I feel that you love me. I've never had that. I'm used to the opposite of how you treat me. You treat me like your everything.

I'm trying to understand why you love me. You're helping me out alot, you know? You're getting me to see that maybe there is something about me that might make someone happy. It's just going to take me time to understand. But I'm so fucking glad that you love me the way you do because I'm crazy about you; head over heels; completely intoxicated by your existence. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect man to fall into my lap. I couldn't have dreamed up a guy with half of your qualities. There isn't a single thing I dislike about you..

Envy? Yes.
I envy that:

• You can speak French and Polish with out a second thought.
• You can be so strong after so much hurt.
• You can cook the most delicious chicken ever.
  
• You could take me in a fair fight. [ ;) ]
• You have a hero to look up to.
• You give everyone respect even when they don't deserve it.

So, yes. I envy you. I envy that you can survive so well on your own. I respect you. I honor you. I love you. You are HANDS DOWN the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I feel like the reason why this struggle is so hard for me, is because I'm terrified of losing you. I always have been, and this feels like I've lost you. Even if you haven't actually left me. You know?

Here's what will come of us.
-You will get out of jail.
-You and I will move in together.
-You and I will go to Ocean City.
-You and I will go to Skyesville Insane Asylum.
-I will turn 18, and we will move to Poland.
-You and I will go to school in Poland.
-You and I will get married.
-You and I will have three babies.
-You and I will always be together.

One million and seven years, baby. That will never change. I'm sure. The most sure I've ever been in my entire life. I will always be yours, and you will always be mine. I know this. Besides, I already ate your heart so it could be closer to mine, silly!

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I fucking love the hell out of you, Roman. :D

Tonight, I will be saying goodnight to you, and going to sleep with thoughts of you in my mind.

Forever Yours,

He's in jail.
I don't wanna talk about it.
I just want my boyfriend back.
All I can say to myself is, "I want my boyfriend back," with tears in my eyes.

But, I will tell you:

He didn't do anything wrong.
My life is in danger, as is his.

We chose names!

Boy:
Carter
Tristyn

Girl:
Autumn
Isabelle (Izzi)
Danielle (Danni)

___________________

Only a few more hours.
It's funny.
I really am counting down the hours.
God damnit, I miss you.

___________________

I love you, Roman. <3

I hope you kill yourself. :)

If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it.

Soon. :)

We're moving into our first place soon.

I noticed you.

Something in her face reminds me how flawed she really is.
I'm sensitive; easily bruised; a battered peach.

The exterior, a fragile layer of feeling.
Taken over by imperfections,
Impressions; indentations.
Growing towards the center,
Reaching, contaminating.
A glimmer of hope,
Pushing forth from the center, outwards.
Two forces collide.
Last chance, you lose.
A battered peach, rotting away.

________________________________________

"I have a heart, you know?"
The only phrase playing through my mind.

I feel awful knowing that my mother wastes her time worrying about me, and caring about me and loving me.
I feel awful knowing that the sole reason my mother is having heart problems is because I couldn't be another miscarriage for her.
I feel awful knowing that my mother hates me and hates living with me.
I feel awful knowing that I forgot to wish my mom a Happy Birthday on her birthday because I know that I've ruined her life. She deserved one day.
I feel awful knowing that I made my mother into an alcoholic.
I feel awful knowing that I'm the entire center of my mom and dad's marital issues.
I feel awful knowing that since my brother was little, all I've done is slowly ruin his life and make everything harder for him in the long run.
I feel awful knowing that my brother thinks I'm this immature little girl that fucks everything up for everyone else.
I feel awful knowing that I let everyone down by "dropping out" of high school.
I feel awful knowing that my mother thinks I'm a huge disappointment.
I feel awful knowing that my mother was forced to work on her birthday, getting flowers ready for a prom and a graduation that her daughter will never get to go to because she's a fuck-up.
I feel awful knowing that you think I'm a burnout.
I feel awful knowing that my close friends could easily replace me in their lives when I needed people the most.
I feel awful knowing that I can't even successfully kill myself because I'm too fucking scared.

I have a heart. I have a fucking heart. I swear to God I do.

________________________________________

You know what finally broke my heart?
You lied to me.
You said nothing happened.
I read it on your fucking blog.
Then, I proceeded to cry my eyes out.
Thank you for finally pulling the trigger.
That silly gun had been dangling there for sometime.
It looked better in my mouth, anyway.

You wanna talk about pregnancy scares, girl? Well, let me know when you get to my level. I've had too many to count. I, too, got to spend the last three weeks dealing with the possibility of having a fucking baby living and breathing in my uterus. Do you understand how I felt? Terrified of disappointing my parents? Realizing I'd have to kill a person in my stomache, if I was? Knowing that I'd be this incredible mother, but knowing I'd have to give it up? Afraid of hurting Roman, the one person I actually have, by getting rid of it? Wondering if I should just toss myself down the stairs and pretend like nothing ever existed? You don't understand. You couldn't. Yours didn't come with pressure. Mine came with pressure, and disappointment. No choice would have been safe. Don't you dare act like I don't know how it feels to be scared of pregnancy. I bawled my eyes out every fucking day, thinking about how excited Roman was about us having a baby together, and how brokenhearted he'd be when I told him I couldn't do it. Hearing the disappointment in his voice when I explained that "i'm just not ready, I can't do it." Wondering if my baby was supposed to be the next President of the US, or the person with the cure for AIDS.

A best friend, during a pregnancy scare, might have mentioned that the reason they're having the pregnancy scare is because said, "best friend" almost fucked your crush from the last 6 or 7 years. Or maybe best friend's shouldn't lie and said nothing happened, so that a person wouldn't blow off the idea that their best friend could be pregnant. A best friend probably wouldn't have gone with a girl, who she claims to be unable to stand, to get her pregnancy test. I mean, it's all hypothetical, though.

We are not the same. Do not compare us.
The difference between us is clear.

You will be stuck here because you don't try hard enough to get yourself out. It's not going to happen for you, you have to earn it. Fuck you for acting like my life is a piece of fucking cake, and I get everything. My parents don't do shit for me. Yeah, I got to drop out, it came with being labeled a failure by anyone that ever mattered, and being constantly ostracized by, what birth calls, my family. Or wait, how about the fact that my parents tell me when I'm allowed to be home, and when I am, I'm not allowed to eat their food without paying. How's them apples? I found my little, tiny, avenue out. I left you alone for one week. One fucking week. If you really broke down from my non-existence in your life so much that you boarded the S.S.ChrisTEASE, then our friendship certainly isn't healthy for you anyway.

Here's another thing, you drink for your own reasons.
You have no idea why I do what I do.
Hell, you don't know anything about me.

These are not my reasons for smoking pot.
-It brings us out of this horrifying reality into something better.
-It's social.
-It's fun.
-It would drive our parents crazy.

I smoke for these reasons:
-To help myself focus because of my ADD.
-To help me expand my thoughts.
-To feed my addiction.
-To finally open myself up to someone. (Roman.)

"I don't think I've changed much.

I'm still fucking weird. I'm still me."

YOU are not YOU.
Evan killed you.
Now all you do is:
-Get fucked up.
-Flirt with everyone.
-Hang out with Christine.
-Complain about everything that isn't suiting you.

"And even if I have, why aren't I allowed to change?
God knows she has."
I grew up. You just.. changed. They are not the same thing.

"I think she's just too burnt out to recognize me."
Considering you've taken virtually no time to call or text me on my phone in the last month, you can shut the fuck up. You have no idea what burnt out is. You have no idea what's going on with me. I think my GED scores prove that you're moronic if you think for a second that I am burnt out. No seriously, Katt. That crossed the fucking line. Screw you. Maybe you're just too much of an alcoholic to finally see that you're making mistake after mistake in your life. Did that one sting? Good, now we're even.

"'I rolled the best blunt of my life today, I'm so excited.'
'I thought you said you were quitting?'
'No, yeah. I am. Today was my last one.'
She had said that a week before."
I was quitting for Roman.
Roman told me he'd be more upset if I didn't quit.
I dont' even smoke everyday.
Does it matter?
You drink way more than I smoke,
and even if you didn't,
you'd die before me anyway
considering marijuana's versus alcohol's
effects on the body.
So, if you could kindly shut the fuck up about my smoking,
it'd be appreciated.
It's simply hypocritical
considering you used to love smoking more than I did.
All you did was move onto alcohol, a worse demon.

"The only differences are that she dropped out of school a month before graduation, and I'm still trying."
^^ That does not make you better than me.

"She found an outlet, somewhere to get away to, and I am stuck here."
You're only here as long as you stay. Want out? Earn it.


"Her parents let her do whatever she wants, and I'm still shaking in my bones."
Grow up, take control of your situation. It's your life.
They don't let me do anything. I choose what happens to me.
My choices effect me. Your choices effect you.
Don't let your mother or your brothers or your teachers or anyone manipulate you.
If you were a puppet, you'd have strings.
____________________________________

...and just in case you cared, I passed my GED test with flying colors.
i got a:
2855.
when I should have only gotten a:
2122.